TO KNOW

This is a story of a girl who has been madly in love with a guy, but never have the courage to express her feeling. This is a story of pure guessing and hiding and stalking and hurting. To not knowing, and to be afraid of knowing

She saw her own reflection on the water, trying to talk herself to be back on reality. She has spent too much time imagining.

That particular day felt strange. Not necessarily a bad thing though, if anything, it feels rather comforting. She could still see the sun shine in the sky, but the wind breezed calmly. Not too cloudy for fall. For her, it's just a perfect day.

She walked throughout the park, down the aisle. She could see the leaves turned to golden brown, autumn colour, her favourite. 

She thought of a lovebirds she has in her apartment, wondering what they're doing. They might be snuggling, romancing the nuance of a perfect autumn. 

And then she thought of him. What would he do if he walks by her at the time? He would hold her hand, not hard enough to hurt her, but hard enough to keep her. 

He would wear his glasses, and a blue hat that she made for him, and he realises that it is too cold for her and he wants to keep her warm, he would hold her in his arm. And he smiles. His smile defeat the weather. All of the sudden it's warm, and comforting. 

They play chase, run across the doves, and they would stop by the bridge. He hugs her from behind, making sure that she is protected. They looked down and found the swans are swimming down the river. He steals one or two kiss on her cheek and they are so happy together. They are invisible.

A dried leaf landed on her face and brought her head to the present. Reality just hit. Her cheeks turned red. She looked up, took a deep breath and laughed. She continued her walk and smiled. She shook her head. "If only…" she thought.

T-shirt, checked. Vintage blue jeans, checked. Glasses, checked. Sweater, checked. Shawl, checked. She looked herself in the mirror. "It couldn't goes wrong" she thought. She grabbed her purse, filled it up with her laptop, books, money, and her lipgloss. She rarely wore make up. Only in a very special occasion. She always look naturally beautiful.

A long bob cut straight brown hair, light olive skin, soft pinkish lips, and  warm smiley eyes. Her eye colour is dark brown, just a little lighter than her hair. Her bone structure is half and half, half caucasian and indonesian. High cheekbones but still complimenting her exotic tropical look. 

She was getting ready to hang out at a small coffee shop with a couple friends of her. 

The story of her falling madly in love didn't actually go as she expected. She is just a girl who's been looking for high and low for that guy who can makes things happen inside her.

You know, your heart skip a beat, your throat goes dry, you get gooses flesh, feel a bit dizzy, and the works.

Her throat never got dry, ever. But then, she liked a guy. Of course it wasn't "love"

Actually speaking, it wasn't even "like". As the matter of fact, she has no idea what she felt. She spent her evening at a cafe, next to a huge television display they've now acquired, and whether she liked it or not, she end up spending her time stared at it.

There was this cute guy who would come to the same cafe, and stare at the same display. Well, sometime he read a book.

He was fascinating and somehow beautiful.

They used to glance across each other now and then, but there was nothing more. No joint. No sweat. No knots in her stomach.

Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months. As the times goes by she realised that she attracted to him. She admired him and his calm, comfortable, cool as a cat persona that he brought along for company every day. Could it be love?

It has been 8 months since she saw him for the first time. And so it has been 8 months she admired him in silence. 

She didn't know where he works, she didn't know where he lives, she didn't even know his name. 

But she knew that his favourite colour is red, he always wear his red sneakers, his bag is red, and he often wear red outfit also.

She knew that he likes to read charlie dickens, especially "to kill a mockingbird". Since she had him read it for more than once or twice, though he read other kinds of book, he always brought that one to the cafe.

He always drink his coffee with no sugar. He would only order 3 types of drinks. Black coffee, espresso macchiato, and ristretto. And a glass of tap water. Not a labeled and bottled mineral water.

Every wednesday, he would go to the cafe at 7 or 8 pm. And left at 11 pm.

He plays basketball, she once saw a basketball rolled down from his bag.

He is about 6 feet tall with a very dreamy figure. A great jaw line, and deep eyes. His sight would reminds her of a very determined person.

She walked out of her apartment, trying to remember where she parked her car. She has this car for decades, an old pontiac she got from her dad. 

She remembered her car is the one thing that her dad had closest to a son. He always wanted a son, but her mother passed away after her birth. And her dad just couldn't found anyone else to replace her mother.

And so she was raised by a single father, a very loving father. She always so close to her dad.

She parked her car around the corner of the street. She walked down there, saying "Hi" to Mario, a baker nearby, she always love to stop at Mario's for a while, smelling the homey scent of a fresh baked bread, the butter, the milk. The warm feeling embrace her soul, giving her a peace, though just for a second. It tickled her with the picture of living in a small house in the south of france, with her own vine yard, and the sun shine just for her and the guy in her mind that is going to live with her forever, their kids are playing under a big sycamore tree, laughing together, happy forever.

Jack Johnson's Belle was playing subtly in her car radio. There's something about this song that hit her. A song about a guy, meeting this beautiful girl but there's a language barrier between them. This guy doesn't speak any other language but english, and the girl, she comes from somewhere else but. He try to reach her with any kind of european language that he knows, "lienda" "bella che fa?" "bonita che tal?" he is so dying to know this girl but he just can't found a word that the girl would understand.

Just like her, instead of language, for her it's just the lack of confidence to just ask his name, or where he works, or the other usual stuffs. 

Just like a lyrics in a song called "the girl from Ipanema", when she passes he smiles but she doesn't see. Well, she always smile to him, hoping he would see it, but he just doesn't see her.

The roads seem quieter than ever, emptier than ever, just like her heart, it felt so empty. She wished that she would just forget about him but she just couldn't. His trace in her head is permanent.

The cafe called "huh?". A small cafe just around the corner of a very busy area, but somehow, this cafe is not so crowded. The ambience of the cafe makes her feels like she belong there. 

Black oak wooden floor, brick wall, black sealing, simple wooden chairs. There's no wi-fi there so people would talk to each other. 

And there he was, smoking a cigarette, watching his fumes fade into non existence. He looked so fascinating. 

She took a long way to her usual booth on the cafe so that she walks across him. Hoping that he would  says hi, or at least notice her presence.

She was only 2 feet away from that guy, she began to think any scenario that could happen. 

May be he would finally says hi to her, they would talk for the rest of the night, sharing, laughing together, he would order her a drink, and ask her out. 

May be she would do silly things like stumbled right in front of him and fell, then he would help her stand on her feet, and back to scenario one. 

May be she would stumbled, fell, and he laugh at her, and back to scenario one. 

Or may be he just wouldn't bother to look at her. As per usual.

She walked across him and waiting for that hi, she even think to stumble her self to gain his attention, but she took it back. And just like the days before, nothing happened.

She sat on her booth regretting, if only she stumbled.

That night went on just like the usual, glance across each other but no follow ups. She sank herself in her book, trying to diverse her mind off of him. Waiting for her friends to come. She now can't even wait for her friends. She thoughts for at least if her friends are there at that moment she can stop thinking about him too hardly.

The girls talk flowed . And times flew. The hands on the vintage clock at the cafe showed it's 11 pm already. She realised it and quickly looked at him. 

Curious, she thought. He didn't prepare to leave. Is he waiting for someone?

Her feeling is mixed. Between glad to be able to see him longer and scared if he really is waiting for someone. The whole "what ifs" played in her mind.

She tried so hard not to be obvious. No one knew she like him. Not even her friends.

What if he is waiting for her girlfriend?

What if he's engaged to someone?

She couldn't stay there to find out the truth. It might seems exaggerating, but when you fall very hard for someone, all those insecurity are actually make sense. 

She decided to leave from the cafe. Gave the most made sense reason that she thought of to her friends.

She's behind the wheel. Driving nowhere to clear her mind. 

She didn't want to love in vain, but how could she's not loving someone in vain if she doesn't even dare to find her way to be with him? She knew that but she felt helpless.

If only she couldn't see him again, she's gonna be hurt for sure. The thought of him always come to her. As it turned out, she couldn't live without him, or at least the thought of him.

She walked into her apartment building, going as fast as she could to her room. 

She saw stacks of box next to her door. It seemed like the room right in front of hers was finally occupied.  She remembered the family that used to live there. They were nice people. Their kid often made her a drawing. 

But she couldn't care less about the new neighbour. She's too busy hurting.

She was about to take another step towards her room when she realised that her key was left behind in her car. She step back to the elevator and pressed the button. Went back to her car and grabbed her keys.

But instead of walking back to her apartment, she decided to seek the truth, she wanted to know whether that guy was really waiting for someone. She drove back to the cafe.

She peeked into the cafe, and saw a guy with a girl, fraternising in the cafe. Her heart stopped beating for a while. "it's over" she thought. She couldn't believe her eyes.

Her eyes is burning, not knowingly, she shed a tear. The thought of him taste bitter.

She never felt that much pain before in her life. It's funny how the universe works.

Back to her apartment, she marched to the elevator. Tried to hide her face from the doorman. the last thing that she wanted is  someone asking "why". Not because she don't care, it simply because she couldn't find a way to explain what she really feel.

The elevator seemed taking too long time to went down. The waiting part stung the most. She had been waiting long enough just for at least a "hi" from a guy that apparently didn't even care about her, and she's still have to wait for the elevator to come down.

The elevator door finally opened, she rushed in and press the button in rage. All she need was alone time, she wanted to cry in her room where no one could find out.

The elevator has reached the destination, the 7th floor. It was her apartment room's floor.

The elevator opened, but what she saw is not an empty space like usual. A figure of a man was standing there. He was wearing the same shirt as the guy at the cafe. A 6 feet tall man with the dreamy figure, a great jaw line and deep eyes. He looked surprised. But then he smiled and walked toward her.

"Hi, are you live here too? The doorman said only 3 people lived in this floor. A fat guy,  an old lady, and a beautiful woman. Well you're not a guy, and i don't think you're that old.  So i guess, you're the beautiful one. I saw you a lot at the cafe. Please, I'm Adam, your new neighbour"