TO KNOW

This is a story of a girl who has been madly in love with a guy, but never have the courage to express her feeling. This is a story of pure guessing and hiding and stalking and hurting. To not knowing, and to be afraid of knowing

She saw her own reflection on the water, trying to talk herself to be back on reality. She has spent too much time imagining.

That particular day felt strange. Not necessarily a bad thing though, if anything, it feels rather comforting. She could still see the sun shine in the sky, but the wind breezed calmly. Not too cloudy for fall. For her, it's just a perfect day.

She walked throughout the park, down the aisle. She could see the leaves turned to golden brown, autumn colour, her favourite. 

She thought of a lovebirds she has in her apartment, wondering what they're doing. They might be snuggling, romancing the nuance of a perfect autumn. 

And then she thought of him. What would he do if he walks by her at the time? He would hold her hand, not hard enough to hurt her, but hard enough to keep her. 

He would wear his glasses, and a blue hat that she made for him, and he realises that it is too cold for her and he wants to keep her warm, he would hold her in his arm. And he smiles. His smile defeat the weather. All of the sudden it's warm, and comforting. 

They play chase, run across the doves, and they would stop by the bridge. He hugs her from behind, making sure that she is protected. They looked down and found the swans are swimming down the river. He steals one or two kiss on her cheek and they are so happy together. They are invisible.

A dried leaf landed on her face and brought her head to the present. Reality just hit. Her cheeks turned red. She looked up, took a deep breath and laughed. She continued her walk and smiled. She shook her head. "If only…" she thought.

T-shirt, checked. Vintage blue jeans, checked. Glasses, checked. Sweater, checked. Shawl, checked. She looked herself in the mirror. "It couldn't goes wrong" she thought. She grabbed her purse, filled it up with her laptop, books, money, and her lipgloss. She rarely wore make up. Only in a very special occasion. She always look naturally beautiful.

A long bob cut straight brown hair, light olive skin, soft pinkish lips, and  warm smiley eyes. Her eye colour is dark brown, just a little lighter than her hair. Her bone structure is half and half, half caucasian and indonesian. High cheekbones but still complimenting her exotic tropical look. 

She was getting ready to hang out at a small coffee shop with a couple friends of her. 

The story of her falling madly in love didn't actually go as she expected. She is just a girl who's been looking for high and low for that guy who can makes things happen inside her.

You know, your heart skip a beat, your throat goes dry, you get gooses flesh, feel a bit dizzy, and the works.

Her throat never got dry, ever. But then, she liked a guy. Of course it wasn't "love"

Actually speaking, it wasn't even "like". As the matter of fact, she has no idea what she felt. She spent her evening at a cafe, next to a huge television display they've now acquired, and whether she liked it or not, she end up spending her time stared at it.

There was this cute guy who would come to the same cafe, and stare at the same display. Well, sometime he read a book.

He was fascinating and somehow beautiful.

They used to glance across each other now and then, but there was nothing more. No joint. No sweat. No knots in her stomach.

Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months. As the times goes by she realised that she attracted to him. She admired him and his calm, comfortable, cool as a cat persona that he brought along for company every day. Could it be love?

It has been 8 months since she saw him for the first time. And so it has been 8 months she admired him in silence. 

She didn't know where he works, she didn't know where he lives, she didn't even know his name. 

But she knew that his favourite colour is red, he always wear his red sneakers, his bag is red, and he often wear red outfit also.

She knew that he likes to read charlie dickens, especially "to kill a mockingbird". Since she had him read it for more than once or twice, though he read other kinds of book, he always brought that one to the cafe.

He always drink his coffee with no sugar. He would only order 3 types of drinks. Black coffee, espresso macchiato, and ristretto. And a glass of tap water. Not a labeled and bottled mineral water.

Every wednesday, he would go to the cafe at 7 or 8 pm. And left at 11 pm.

He plays basketball, she once saw a basketball rolled down from his bag.

He is about 6 feet tall with a very dreamy figure. A great jaw line, and deep eyes. His sight would reminds her of a very determined person.

She walked out of her apartment, trying to remember where she parked her car. She has this car for decades, an old pontiac she got from her dad. 

She remembered her car is the one thing that her dad had closest to a son. He always wanted a son, but her mother passed away after her birth. And her dad just couldn't found anyone else to replace her mother.

And so she was raised by a single father, a very loving father. She always so close to her dad.

She parked her car around the corner of the street. She walked down there, saying "Hi" to Mario, a baker nearby, she always love to stop at Mario's for a while, smelling the homey scent of a fresh baked bread, the butter, the milk. The warm feeling embrace her soul, giving her a peace, though just for a second. It tickled her with the picture of living in a small house in the south of france, with her own vine yard, and the sun shine just for her and the guy in her mind that is going to live with her forever, their kids are playing under a big sycamore tree, laughing together, happy forever.

Jack Johnson's Belle was playing subtly in her car radio. There's something about this song that hit her. A song about a guy, meeting this beautiful girl but there's a language barrier between them. This guy doesn't speak any other language but english, and the girl, she comes from somewhere else but. He try to reach her with any kind of european language that he knows, "lienda" "bella che fa?" "bonita che tal?" he is so dying to know this girl but he just can't found a word that the girl would understand.

Just like her, instead of language, for her it's just the lack of confidence to just ask his name, or where he works, or the other usual stuffs. 

Just like a lyrics in a song called "the girl from Ipanema", when she passes he smiles but she doesn't see. Well, she always smile to him, hoping he would see it, but he just doesn't see her.

The roads seem quieter than ever, emptier than ever, just like her heart, it felt so empty. She wished that she would just forget about him but she just couldn't. His trace in her head is permanent.

The cafe called "huh?". A small cafe just around the corner of a very busy area, but somehow, this cafe is not so crowded. The ambience of the cafe makes her feels like she belong there. 

Black oak wooden floor, brick wall, black sealing, simple wooden chairs. There's no wi-fi there so people would talk to each other. 

And there he was, smoking a cigarette, watching his fumes fade into non existence. He looked so fascinating. 

She took a long way to her usual booth on the cafe so that she walks across him. Hoping that he would  says hi, or at least notice her presence.

She was only 2 feet away from that guy, she began to think any scenario that could happen. 

May be he would finally says hi to her, they would talk for the rest of the night, sharing, laughing together, he would order her a drink, and ask her out. 

May be she would do silly things like stumbled right in front of him and fell, then he would help her stand on her feet, and back to scenario one. 

May be she would stumbled, fell, and he laugh at her, and back to scenario one. 

Or may be he just wouldn't bother to look at her. As per usual.

She walked across him and waiting for that hi, she even think to stumble her self to gain his attention, but she took it back. And just like the days before, nothing happened.

She sat on her booth regretting, if only she stumbled.

That night went on just like the usual, glance across each other but no follow ups. She sank herself in her book, trying to diverse her mind off of him. Waiting for her friends to come. She now can't even wait for her friends. She thoughts for at least if her friends are there at that moment she can stop thinking about him too hardly.

The girls talk flowed . And times flew. The hands on the vintage clock at the cafe showed it's 11 pm already. She realised it and quickly looked at him. 

Curious, she thought. He didn't prepare to leave. Is he waiting for someone?

Her feeling is mixed. Between glad to be able to see him longer and scared if he really is waiting for someone. The whole "what ifs" played in her mind.

She tried so hard not to be obvious. No one knew she like him. Not even her friends.

What if he is waiting for her girlfriend?

What if he's engaged to someone?

She couldn't stay there to find out the truth. It might seems exaggerating, but when you fall very hard for someone, all those insecurity are actually make sense. 

She decided to leave from the cafe. Gave the most made sense reason that she thought of to her friends.

She's behind the wheel. Driving nowhere to clear her mind. 

She didn't want to love in vain, but how could she's not loving someone in vain if she doesn't even dare to find her way to be with him? She knew that but she felt helpless.

If only she couldn't see him again, she's gonna be hurt for sure. The thought of him always come to her. As it turned out, she couldn't live without him, or at least the thought of him.

She walked into her apartment building, going as fast as she could to her room. 

She saw stacks of box next to her door. It seemed like the room right in front of hers was finally occupied.  She remembered the family that used to live there. They were nice people. Their kid often made her a drawing. 

But she couldn't care less about the new neighbour. She's too busy hurting.

She was about to take another step towards her room when she realised that her key was left behind in her car. She step back to the elevator and pressed the button. Went back to her car and grabbed her keys.

But instead of walking back to her apartment, she decided to seek the truth, she wanted to know whether that guy was really waiting for someone. She drove back to the cafe.

She peeked into the cafe, and saw a guy with a girl, fraternising in the cafe. Her heart stopped beating for a while. "it's over" she thought. She couldn't believe her eyes.

Her eyes is burning, not knowingly, she shed a tear. The thought of him taste bitter.

She never felt that much pain before in her life. It's funny how the universe works.

Back to her apartment, she marched to the elevator. Tried to hide her face from the doorman. the last thing that she wanted is  someone asking "why". Not because she don't care, it simply because she couldn't find a way to explain what she really feel.

The elevator seemed taking too long time to went down. The waiting part stung the most. She had been waiting long enough just for at least a "hi" from a guy that apparently didn't even care about her, and she's still have to wait for the elevator to come down.

The elevator door finally opened, she rushed in and press the button in rage. All she need was alone time, she wanted to cry in her room where no one could find out.

The elevator has reached the destination, the 7th floor. It was her apartment room's floor.

The elevator opened, but what she saw is not an empty space like usual. A figure of a man was standing there. He was wearing the same shirt as the guy at the cafe. A 6 feet tall man with the dreamy figure, a great jaw line and deep eyes. He looked surprised. But then he smiled and walked toward her.

"Hi, are you live here too? The doorman said only 3 people lived in this floor. A fat guy,  an old lady, and a beautiful woman. Well you're not a guy, and i don't think you're that old.  So i guess, you're the beautiful one. I saw you a lot at the cafe. Please, I'm Adam, your new neighbour"

KEMARAU

“when i fall in love, i fall hard”. Sangat keras. Dan ini adalah kisah pertama kali aku rasa aku merasakan cinta

Aku tidak percaya pada cinta. Bukan karena aku tidak mempercayainya, tetapi karena aku tidak mau mempercayainya.

Banyak yang mengira aku berhati dingin. Mereka mungkin tidak sepenuhnya salah. Rasionalisasi mengalahkan emosi. Percaya pada otakmu. Otakmu yang paling mengetahui apa yang sebenarnya hatimu butuhkan. Lain dengan hatimu yang selalu menginginkan.

Dan nyatanya otakku menyelamatkan aku, mungkin berkali kali. Otakku menyuruhku untuk tidak memlih sakit. Itu artinya tidak memilih cinta

Tidak ada yang salah dengan cinta. Tidak ada yang salah dengan jatuh cinta. Tidak ada yang salah dengan orang yang sedang mencinta. Tidak ada yang salah dengan orang yang sedang dicinta. Aku hanya tidak memahami. Mengapa orang orang sangat mengagumi cinta padahal aku tahu benar cinta hanya akan menghancurkan

Aku bukannya tidak mampu mencintai. Aku bukannya tidak bisa dicintai. Aku selalu menutup hatiku. Aku tahu cinta itu sakit, dan aku belum menemukan untuk siapa aku rela merasa sakit

Sering rasanya aku merindukan rasa tergila gila. Saat aku membuka mata, saat aku menutup mata, saat aku bersama, saat aku berpisah, hanya ada 1 orang yang aku pikirkan. Saat aku bahagia aku ingin berbahagia dengannya. Saat aku sedih aku hanya ingin bersamanya. Kadang aku sangat merindukan rasa itu. Rasa yang hanya ada dalam hatiku, yang tak bisa diterima oleh otakku

Aku merindukan cinta. Aku ingin menemukan cinta, dan cinta menemukanku

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Semua berawal saat aku kira aku telah berhasil mengisolasi cinta dari hatiku. Aku merasa bebas tanpa beban saat meyakinkan diriku aku telah mengunci hatiku. Membuat inpenetrable shield made of sanity. Lalu aku mulai bermain. Aku merasa sangat kuat, bullet-proove. Seharusnya aku tau aku hanya tahan terhadap peluru. Aku bukannya tahan terhadap air.

Itulah kamu. Air. Kamu adalah sebuah permainan untukku,- awalnya-. Aku hanya menginginkan untuk duduk di tepi pantai, berjalan menikmati guyuran ombak “cetek” menyapu pasir dari kaki, menghirup harumnya laut. Bermain-main sedikit dengan air sambil terus menyusuri tepi pantai.

Tetapi laut itu begitu indah. Laut itu memahamiku. Laut itu memanggil namaku dengan deburan ombaknya. Menyapaku dengan bantuan mentari di garis cakrawala. Memelukku dengan angin dingin yang terasa sangat nyaman, menyejukkan.

Kakiku tak lagi berjalan menyusuri tepi pantai. Otakku mengalah. Hatiku bersorak. Benteng pertahananku baru saja retak. Belum runtuh. Tetapi cukup untuk merasakan

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Merasakan. betapa lucunya kata itu muncul dalam benakku. Rasa. Apa itu rasa. Aku tak pernah berusaha mencari tahu dan tak pernah ingin tahu. Tentang rasa, tentang cinta, tentang romansa dan tentang cerita. Mereka bukanlah kata yang dapat di deteksi otakku. Untuk aku rasa hanya 4 huruf yang kebetulan membentuk kata. Kata yang sebenarnya tak perlu diagung-agungkan. Kata yang sebenarnya kosong.

Manusia mengarangnya hanya sebagai pembenaran diri. Mereka merasa menginginkan sesuatu tetapi tak pernah ingin dianggap heartless people. Maka mereka menggunakan filosofi rasa.

Orang orang sepertiku yang tidak pernah menyatakan cinta jauh lebih baik, kita tidak menggunakan kata itu sebagai pembenaran diri. Orang orang sepertiku berani mengakui bahwa yang kita inginkan hanyalah sebuah kesenangan sesaat. Yang tanpa ikatan. Yang tanpa resiko

Mereka yang menganggap aku pengecut adalah pengecut sebenarnya. Mereka mengagung-agungkan kata cinta tetapi menggunakannya selayaknya barang obral. Seperti baju bekas layak pakai yang bisa diberikan lagi kepada orang lain. Apakah itu keagungan cinta yang kalian pahami wahai saudara pengagum cinta?

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Tetapi kali ini. Aku tidak tahu. Aku tak pernah menyerah pada cinta. Apakah ini pengecualian. Apakah ini yang alam inginkan. Apakah ini yang terukir dalam lembaran takdir. Dan terlebih lagi, apakah ini yang aku inginkan?

Perang yang terjadi dalam benaku antara rasionalisasi dan emosi bahkan tak lagi terdeteksi oleh aku. Air itu melarutkannya. Menghapuskan perang itu dan menutup mulut rasionalisasiku. Absurd

Layaknya air, kau mengisi setiap lekukan, setiap retakan dan setiap kekosongan dalam hatiku. Begitu mudahnya kau mengikuti bentuk wadahmu. Begitu mudahnya kau mengisi aku.

                           

                                                         *****

Aku tak bisa menahan diri untuk menyelam. Tak ada lagi rasa tidak aman. Batu karang yang tajampun tak akan bisa menyakitiku. Rasanya aku tidak perlu menahan nafas. Aku bebas bernafas saat aku menyelam. Aku bersama diriku saat aku menyelam. Atau terlebih, aku bersama hatiku.

Aku menyadari ada arus yang sangat deras saat itu hampir dapat terlihat jelas akan membentuk pusaran air yang dapat menarikku ke dasar laut dan tak akan pernah lagi bertemu daratan dimana takan ada lagi deburan ombakmu, tak ada lagi mentari yang menyapaku, tak ada lagi angin yang memelukku.

Aku tidak peduli. Aku merasa aman. Aku merasa tak terkalahkan. Aku yakin aku bisa membelah pusaran itu dengan mudah. Bak musa yang membelah laut merah dengan tongkatnya.

Aku terus berenang, menyelam. Aku menuju arus itu. Aku ingin membuktikan aku tak bisa dikalahkan.

Lagumu bermain liar di benakku. Memberanikan aku. Membuatku percaya. Membuatku terlupa

Arus itu, pusaran itu semakin terlihat jelas. Sampai akhirnya aku terhisap dalam pusaran itu. Anehnya pusaran itu terasa hangat, lembut. Pusaran itu tak lagi terlihat cepat dan menakutkan. Lebih seperti keindahan yang hakiki. Hangat, lembut. Betapa anehnya

Aku terhisap semakin dalam. Tidak mengetahui apa yang ada di dasar pusaran itu. Adakah bahaya terdapat disana. Adakah kegelapan menyambutku disana. Akankah dinginnya menusuk tulangku.

Aku tidak peduli. Hatiku yakin. Otakku menyerah.

Aku sampai dasar laut.

Aku melihat keindahan.

Aku dikelilingi air, aku bersamamu. Tidak ada bahaya yang mampu mengusikku. Aku berada dalam kesunyian, senyap, tetapi dapat kudengar deburan ombak. Aku berada di kegelapan dasar laut tetapi dapat merasakan sang mentari. Angin yang dulu memeluku telah memberikan kepercayaannya kepada air untuk memelukku lebih erat. Pelukanmu terasa hangat. Berbeda

Untuk beberapa saat. Aku dapat merasakan apa yang mereka bilang keindahan cinta. Hangatnya kasih sayang. Indahnya pelangi harapan. Dan manisnya rasa

Sampai pada saat itu ....

                                               *****

Air teringat ia tidak bisa meninggalkan tugasnya untuk menjadi awan dan menyejukkan belahan bumi yang lain. Air teringat ia tidak dapat memelukku lebih erat dari sang angin. Air tidak dapat meninggalkan kodratnya untuk menjadi hujan.

Air bukanlah milikku. Air menginginkanku. Tetapi ia kalah terhadap kodratinya. Ia tak berani tetap tinggal didasar laut dan mendampingiku. Bersamaku

Ia memaksaku kembali ke permukaan. Ia membuatku terseret ke daratan. Ia membuatku tak kembali berani untuk berenang. Apalagi menyelam

Air berkata padaku ia ingin tetap bersamaku. Air berkata padaku akan meninggalkanku. Air berkata padaku agar meninggalkannya. Air berkata padaku jangan pernah melewatkan hujan karena saat itu ia dapat bersamaku. Air berkata padaku ia mencintaiku. Air berkata padaku ia tak bisa bersamaku

Air yang tampak sangat tak berbahaya. Air yang tampak sangat berani untuk tetap menghancurkan dirinya di batu karang bahkan tak berani untuk tetap berada di laut.

Dan yang ia tak sadari, air telah mengikis bentengku. Yang tadinya hanya retakan telah menjadi lubang yang menganga. Yang tadinya diisi oleh sejuknya air kini kering. Meninggalkan retakan-retakan kekeringan yang terasa masam dan pahit.

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Hatiku menangis. Hatiku tersesak. Hatiku tersakiti.

Otakku tak bisa lebih tidak peduli kepada hatiku. Otakku dapat merasakan kejayaanya kembali. Otakku berpesta.

Nyala lilin yang menenangkan hanya terlihat indah oleh otakku. Hatiku hanya dapat merasakan panas nyala apinya

Kata kata bijaksana yang kembali di tuliskan hanya dapat dimengerti kegunaanya oleh otakku. Hatiku hanya dapat merasakan dinginnnya arti goresan tinta itu

Hatiku terus bergumam. Hatiku tak bisa menerima kekalahannya. Hatiku hanya.... merindukannya. Dan hatiku hanya tersakiti olehnya

Bukankan hal ini yang selalu otakku coba jauhkan. Bukankah yang seperti ini yang otakku coba hindarkan. Otakku memang selalu mengerti apa yang sebenarnya aku butuhkan. Tak seperti hatiku yang hanya menginginkan.

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Setiap hujan datang, aku tak akan sudi membiarkan diriku basah oleh air. Aku tak akan sudi untuk kembali membiarkan retakan itu terbentuk. terkadang hatiku memohon. Terkadang aku sangat merindukannya.

Tidakkah air itu menyadari setiap ia datang dalam bentuk hujan, ia hanya akan menyejukkan orang lain. Yang untuk orang lain hujan itu terasa manis untukku sangat mengikis.

Bukannya tak mungkin menggapai cintamu. Hanya saja aku tak sanggup kembali hancur. Aku tak ingin sakit. Aku tak sanggup sakit.

                                      *****

“When i fall in love, i fall hard”. Sangat keras. Dan ini adalah kisah pertama kali aku rasa aku merasakan cinta

Setelahnya, kemarau panjang kembali menghuni ruang di hatiku

BLACKED

The heart is bruising, the chest is burning, the head is cracking open, and the body is seizuring. Trembling, stumbling, numbing.

The air is surprisingly bitter, my nose can taste it. It’s so cold it hurts. It penetrates into my bones. My bones are tremoring. Petrified.

All of the sudden, I lost a memory of touch, I lost a memory of sight, and I lost memory of smell. I can’t seem to find the feeling of velvety touch of life that I used to have, I can’t seem to picture my first memory, and I can’t found the scent of life.

I walk in the dark. Bouncing around the dimmed alley. It’s suffocating, the darkness. Disarm my ability to take precaution. I’m not aware of what’s there ahead. I keep on stumbling, I keep on falling

A single drop of water falls down on me. Strangely, it burns me. I’m blistering. In my head I’m thinking, I have to avoid the water, I have to run. Or so I think.

As I step my foot, the path turns into quicksand. Between that and the water that keep falling, I struggle to get loose. But I can't. It sucks me in, and the water burns me down. 

As I surrender, the sand sucks me deeper. Deeper and deeper as I fall into a pure dark surrounding.  I sit up. Try to figure out what just happened.

I see an orb, it’s an amber orb. Flies in a slow motion. Paint a pattern. The pattern reminds me of the Eye of Horus. It’s beautiful. In this pure darkness, for the first time I see something. I like to think that- that is a real thing.

 It flies around me, as it seduces me. Tells me to stand up and follow it. I concentrate, I try to collect my strength. But when I finally gain strength to stand on my feet, the orb disappears. The darkness returns. Blinded again.

I shout. I scream. Curious. Nothing comes out of my mouth. Not single sound. Frustrated, I shout out again, hope that someone would hear me. How could someone hear me when I cannot hear myself. I drenched in wine made of despair.

I can't see. I can't feel. I can't smell. Now I can't speak neither hear.

I feel estranged in my own head. I'm a stranger in my own thoughts.